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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579975">Losing and being lost</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krisps/pseuds/Krisps'>Krisps</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>When the sun rises [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emo San kinda, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Wooyoung the best supporter, it's cute, it's not really sad trust me, they're both weak for eo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:55:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,207</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krisps/pseuds/Krisps</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's silly really. Just a small argument that kinda went overboard, misunderstandings and words he didn't meant.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi San/Jung Wooyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>When the sun rises [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1482947</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>91</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Losing and being lost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi ! I'm back after a while and a new mental breakdown a new story :))<br/>So... yeah I'm sad but this is not "really" sad it's... gloomy for some part only to get better !!<br/>yeay !!<br/>Still not proofread, we die like men tonight<br/>English is not my first language be kind to me plz :c</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>The issue, you see, is not the loss of another presence in bed with him, the warmth it brings, the comfort. Wooyoung slept alone most of his life, and if not for San, sleeping with somebody is more of a nuisance than anything.</p><p>No, the real issue here is the constant feel that something's <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>That everything could have gone the other way round if he just hadn't said what he said at that time. His brain is constantly overthinking about the<em> what ifs</em>, the <em>maybes</em>, the <em>I should have</em> or I <em>shouldn't have</em>. It's all that that's keeping him up at night, when he definitely should be sleeping because he's running on 8 hours of sleep for the past 4 days, and his eyes are puffy from all the crying he's done over the past week, and maybe he should eat a bit because his last meal must have been the cereals he ate 2 days ago and yeah maybe he should take a shower too.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>But it's 6 am on a Saturday morning and Wooyoung can see the sun starting to color the sky a shade lighter from the midnight blue it has been since he woke up 2 hours ago. He fell asleep around 2 in the morning, after tossing and turning for a long while.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It's silly really. Just a small argument that kinda went overboard, misunderstandings and words he didn't meant.</p><p>San and he had been talking about the future.</p><p>Their last exam were over and now they were just waiting for the results to drop.</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung had an idea for a while now of what he wanted in life. Nothing too crazy, really, a simple life just doing what he loved doing, dancing, growing with whom he wanted, and since his younger age the only one he wanted by his side was San.</p><p> </p><p>But San, he, had been growing and learning without any real defined goal, he just went with the flow since he left his hometown. He was a fine art major, and did good, really good in fact. But if you'd ask him what he'd want to do later he'd answer with a vague "<em>I don't know yet</em>"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And it started exactly like that. That day they had been out with a few friends and someone asked him again.</p><p>
  <em>"Heyo San, what you gonna do now after college?"</em>
</p><p><em>"I don't know. To be honest I don't really feel like doing anything. And I have a lovely boyfriend that will take care of me just right mmh ?"</em> San nuzzled his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>And Wooyoung wanted to smile, really he wanted to laugh with the others and take it as a light joke like everyone else did (except Yeosang. Yeosang gagged at San's words.)</p><p>But only a tensed smile kinda appeared on Wooyoung's face. Because as much as he wanted to just take it easy, a larger part of his brain couldn't.</p><p>Not that he didn't believed in San. He knew it was a joke. But every time he did that joke, his eyes would twitch. What if he was serious ? What if he didn't even tried ? What if he <em>really</em> meant it ?</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung was silent the rest of the day.</p><p>He didn't really engage in conversations with San in the car on their way back home. And San knew not to push his buttons when Wooyoung was like this. But he tried talking this time, and maybe he shouldn't have.</p><p>"What got you so silent Bub ?"</p><p>"Nothin'" Wooyoung muttered and after a stretched pause he spoke again</p><p>"Do you … Do you mean it ?" San didn't answered right away.</p><p>"What ?"</p><p>"Do you mean it when you say that you'd rather do nothing ?" A pregnant pause. Truth is that, Wooyoung expected San to just make another joke, to lighten up the heavy atmosphere in the car but when San just answered "Would it bother you?" Wooyoung was surprised to say the least.</p><p>"N-not really just…"</p><p>"Just what, Wooyoung." Ok that's strange. Why is he the one that's angry now</p><p>"Just…"</p><p>"You know I can see your face every time someone talks about that" What…</p><p>"Are you ashamed of me ?" They're at a red light, San doesn't even turn to meet his eyes.</p><p>"What the… no San-"</p><p>"So why do you always make that face ?!" His voice is getting higher with anger, and now Wooyoung is getting angry too.</p><p>"What face are you talking about ?!"</p><p>"The one you were making until now ! Like you're disgusted or something ! You know I did not choose to struggle so much"</p><p>" I know San ! And I didn't say anything ?!"</p><p>"You don't need to ! I can see it on your face, every time! Whether we're talking 'bout our studies or future or past, the only thing I see is pity, for me or for yourself" Now they are full time screaming, all the frustration and unsaid words coming out all at once, rushing through each other's minds and out of their mouths</p><p>"Then tell me how can I help ??"</p><p>"You can't Wooyoung ! No one can" tears are welling inside Wooyoung's eyes.</p><p>"No you just don't want to get help…"</p><p>"You don't know what I think so stop trying Wooyoung. You have no idea what's going on inside my mind." San is speaking through gritted teeth</p><p>"Because you won't even try to let me in San ! I'm your Boyfriend, your best friend, I've known you for most of my life and seeing you hurting, hurts me just as much…"</p><p>"You're not the one who's lost Wooyoung. Neither the one who lost everything."</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung brain froze and before he could think, his mouth speak for itself.</p><p> </p><p>"The only person you lost was your father. Your mother, you're the one who decided to abandon her. You're the only one responsible. But you just don't want to admit that you could have done and still could do something for her if you didn't run away all the time. You're not lost you're just too scared to try and move on" Wooyoung realize just what he said the moment he feels the car slow down then stop abruptly.</p><p>They are 2 blocks away from San's dorm, where they were supposed to spend the rest of the night. Wooyoung is looking at San, eyes the widest they've ever been, shocked with what he said, tears flowing down his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>No words are uttered, the car just starts moving and in silence, across the campus to wooyoung's dorm. San parks the car but no one moves inside the car.</p><p>"S-San-"</p><p>"Get out." San's face is unreadable</p><p>"San please jus-"</p><p>" Wooyoung I said <em>Get</em>. <em>Out</em>. Please." San's voice is loud but he is not screaming. Wooyoung would have liked it better if he screamed.</p><p>In silence Wooyoung steps out of the car and climb the stairs to his appartement. Once inside he looks through the window only to see San's car still parked in the street. He doesn't look again to see if it left.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And now they're almost a week later. San haven't tried to contact him. Not that he would know since his phone has been out of battery for the last 3 days.</p><p>All Wooyoung did, all day, was watch stupid movies that he didn't even pay attention to, lay in bed and cry most of the time. Try to sleep at night and ending up falling asleep only to wake up 20 minutes later.</p><p> </p><p>This morning is no different. Wooyoung's head is buzzing and his stomach is churning and he doesn't feel like standing up any soon. His back is facing the door and he doesn't hear when the front door of his appartement creak open. Can't hear the sound of footsteps over the pounding headache inside his ears.</p><p><br/>
His bedroom door is opening and, more than a presence, Wooyoung can feel a hand on his arm.</p><p>The person is sliding behind him, arms slowly wrapping around his middle and even tho Wooyoung can't see him, he could recognize him anywhere. The tears that had stoped during the last hour are forming instantly again and wooyoung sniffles.</p><p>His hands unconsciously reach for the other's ones, simply lying on his stomach, their fingers intertwining. His nose is brushing down Wooyoung's nape, his breath tickling the skin there.</p><p>Wooyoung's breath is quickening, whimpers starts wrecking his body until he is full on sobbing.</p><p>"S-san. I'm- I am so, so so-sorry" </p><p>"shh.. calm down" San is caressing his hair now, fingers going through his bangs. Wooyoung turns around in his hold, tucking his head in the junction between San's neck and shoulder, under his chin.</p><p>Wooyoung cries for at least 30minutes before his breath finally calm down, San whispering soothing words in his ear.</p><p> </p><p>It's ridiculous because he is the one who hurt San, so why is he the one crying ? But when he can finally look up and see San's beautiful, beautiful face, he can clearly see the tear tracks on his cheeks.</p><p>They're silent for a while before Wooyoung starts speaking, voice cracking.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I didn't meant what I said…"</p><p>"I know. And I'm sorry I shouldn't have screamed on you like I did" Wooyoung sights</p><p> </p><p>San's feet are cold on his, but in a weird comforting way.</p><p> </p><p>"It's ok.. I deserved it…"</p><p>San furrows his eyebrows "No.. you were kinda right."</p><p>Wooyoung doesn't look up but his eyes are wide open "wha-"</p><p>"I cannot continue just running away like this forever. I'm…" Wooyoung squeeze his hand, cradles it to his chest, awaiting for his words expectantly</p><p>"I'm gonna try and contact my mother. I've been thinking about it this past week and… you were right." Wooyoung is looking at him with wide, wet eyes and San is looking down on him.</p><p>"I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I know how much you struggled trying to keep up with me and my fucked up mind and family. I know it must have been hard and I've been insensible telling you that you couldn't understand me when you are the only one who ever really tried to. I know everything you did and still ignored it because it was easier that way, and I feel so so sorry about it."</p><p> </p><p>Wooyoung is speechless, crying silently, his hand squeezing San's so tight it's surprising he did not tried to make him release his hold.</p><p>"I adore you so much Wooyoung, you can't even imagine how I missed you"</p><p>A loud sob leaves his body and Wooyoung is latching his arms around San, the other doing the same.</p><p>He is stuttering, San barely making out the words, something along the lines of "<em>ohmygod- I hate you so much, don't ever leave again, I love you, idiot, stupid, dumbass, I missed you</em>"</p><p>He chuckles and kisses his forehead lightly.</p><p>"My Wooyoung, my baby…"</p><p> </p><p><br/>
It's around 6:30 am on a Saturday and Wooyoung and San are finally falling asleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>They've been awake for a good hour, lazily making out. San leaning against the headboard and Wooyoung sitting on his laps.</p><p> </p><p>It hasn't been "<em>long</em>" since the last time, really, but after being appart for a certain period of time, and being emotionally drained, this is just pure healing. The way San's tongue brushes down his, slowly, his hands fitting around his ribcage under his shirt, brushing the skin here light enough to give him goosebumps. They're giving their whole attention to the other, skin tingling were they're touching.</p><p>Wooyoung feels a dull fire flaring up in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>They're separating, only to link better, harder. Each stroke igniting a spark, breaths quickening… before a thought pop in Wooyoung's mind. He detach himself from san's gently, a hand resting on his chest to put minimum distance between them.</p><p>San whines, Wooyoung grins.</p><p>"mmh… by the way. How did you get in the apartment ??" Wooyoung's lips are a furious red, eyes glazed over (and not from tears this time). His chest is heaving and his hair a mess.</p><p>But honestly, it's not like San looks any better now.</p><p> </p><p>A beat passes</p><p>"I… may or may not have a double of your key… that I may or may not have stolen from Yeosang yesterday night"</p><p> </p><p>Another beat passes</p><p>"Please don't be angry I just really needed to see you and I just happened to spend the evening with Yeosang, Seonghwa and Hongjoong yesterday and-" boop</p><p>Wooyoung cut him off, a small smile spreading on his face. His finger traces down the slope of San's nose, then sliding over his bottom lip before cupping his jaw inside his hand.</p><p>"You're cute"</p><p>"You're cutter"</p><p>Wooyoung eyebrows shoot up, slowly pressing closer.</p><p>"Cute ?" He is now straddling San's hips, grinding down just slightly</p><p>San groans, hands resting on Wooyoung's hips gently</p><p>"Adorable. Precious. Perfect."</p><p>Wooyoung is grinning, grinding down again, this time harder, his fingers tugging on the mulet San seems to be growing.</p><p>"Annnnd…?"</p><p>San's hands tighten, fingers digging in his skin just the way he knows he likes. Maybe some marks wouldn't hurt.</p><p>"You're… dangerous" San growls, Wooyoung crystal laugh echoing through the apartment as he is flipped over, pressed into the mattress, smothered in kisses, love and affection for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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